The Conversation Piece

Mrs. Moooooog35 has it rough.

Because that's the way she likes it.

I know because the UPS guy told me so.

But, hey...on the bright side:

FREE DELIVERY!

I've digressed.


Today, just three simple little conversation pieces between the wife and I.

Yes...a peek into the Moooooog household.

Don't worry.

We're probably not having sex.

Even if we were, I'm probably done already anyway.

***********************
Snippet #1:

Scene: We're sitting on the couch watching television. I'm in shorts.

Wife (looking over): "Wow. Your legs are hairy."

Me: "What?"

Wife: "Your legs are hairy. Like, really hairy."

* blink

We met in 1989.

20 years and she finds this out now.

I wonder if she's noticed that I'm short.


***********************
Snippet #2:

Scene: I can't find the milk.

Me (staring into fridge): "Where's the milk?

Wife: "Don't just stare into the fridge! Move things!"

Me: "I did."

Wife: "Did you move the ketchup?"

Because, you know...

Shit's always behind the fucking ketchup.

****** CUT HERE ******

Special Mental Poo Clip 'N' Save Section!!

Looking for your car keys and you're late for work?

Check behind the ketchup.

At the park and your kid has gone missing?

Go home, open the fridge, and check behind the fucking ketchup.

****** CUT HERE ******

You're welcome.


So...

The milk is apparently behind the ketchup.

Me (still staring into fridge): "Where's the ketchup?"

(insert scene of unimaginable violence here)

Jeez.

***********************
Snippet #3:

Scene: Wife gets into her car to leave for work as I'm just getting out of the bathroom from doing poo.

The night before, I had Cap'n Crunch cereal for supper.

(we were out of ketchup)

I'm spoiled.

Me (running into the garage): "Whoa! One more kiss for the road!"

I lean into her window, give her a smooch, then say:

Me: "Hey...useful tidbit for the day..."

Wife: "What?"

Me: "Crunch Berries make your poo dark green."


That was my imparting wisdom to her that fine morning.

Crunch Berries make your poo dark green.

Wife: *blink

Wordless...she starts backing out of the garage, as I stand there yelling after her:

Me: "Be careful what you do with that powerful knowledge!!"

* wife drives away without another word

Sometimes she doesn't take me or my new found hairy legs seriously.

Hm.

"Serious" kinda sounds like "Cereal."

Great...now I want Crunch Berries.

Where the fuck is that milk?!?

Elmo Really Sucks at Work

Just a quickie today.

Like I'm capable of anything else.

25 seconds is a long time, right?

RIGHT?!!

Ahem.

* cricket

I believe I've digressed.

Some of my loyal readers may know that I sit in the same cube here at work with my friend, Kristin.

I call her my 'friend' because she has yet to show me her boobies which may or may not jeopardize that relationship.

On a related note:

Nothing in history was ever accomplished without taking risks.

Just sayin'.


Regardless...

We work with another woman in this group.

For the sake of argument, I'll change her name her to protect her identity.

Hereafter she shall be called:

Breastus Giganticus Titterrific Enormicus Boobie Rex (BGTEBR).

(Trademark pending)

Wow.

Kinda rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

That's what she said.

Seriously...those things could fucking crush cars.


I would post pictures of her, but I won't in the interest of protecting her anonymity.

Plus, the ones I took while hiding in the girls' locker room came out all fuzzy.

Perhaps I've said too much.

BGTEBR actually has a cube right next to the one Kristin and I share.

She's never in it.

But these two are:


Awww.

Elmo and a Teddy Bear.

How fucking precious.

But not for long.

Because...

...remember...

I sit in the next cube.

Here's what they ended up looking like after the first five minutes of moving next door:


Wow.

You know...

I always thought Elmo seemed a little light in the loafers.

These things stayed that way for about a week.

Until I noticed that she had moved them back.

Big Breasted Party Pooper.

(B-squared, P-squared)

I'm sure she knows it's me who did it.

But I'm not afraid.

As long as she keeps those giant cans away from my car, I should be okay.

Motivational Filler - Yearning

Before I start today, I have a guest doing two movie review's over on "Moog's Movie Reviews" of Pan's Labyrinth and The Orphanage.

Now...this weekend I saw BOTH "Ice Age - Dawn of the Dinosaurs" and "Transformers 2."

However, I'm on mandated job furlough this week...unpaid...and writing two reviews while there's sleeping to be done just seems like a fucking waste of good couch space.

Maybe later.

ONWARD!!

*******************

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):


Keep lookin', dude.

Someday you'll find it.

On a related note:

I like to lie.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

If you like them, feel free to post them on your site.

Just give me some credit.

God knows my bank won't.

Moog out.

Joe and the Automatic Toilets

Joe and the Automatic Toilets.

(just realizing now that the title of this post would be a great name for a rock band)

In my new job, sadly, Joe isn't here.

(for a brush-up on Joe, check here and here)

I have Kristin, but all she does is email me about her poo.

Thanks, Kristin.

Nothing brightens my day more than hearing about how a woman has violently evacuated her bowels.

Awesome.

Apparently, though, this "let's tell Rodney about my shit" trend has caught on with my other friends.

I'm so happy.

Here is an instant message I got the other day from Joe.

Out of the blue...I get...

This:

(no 'hi'...no 'hey'...no 'you there?'...just...this...)

********************

Joe: so they put in these automatically flushing toilets at work, which is great because it's one less thing I have to think about

Joe: but I find myself missing the experience of being able to take a step back and admiring my handiwork

Joe: I used to be able to check it out and have a real feeling of accomplishment, like I just built a birdhouse or something

Joe: now I have to quickly sneak a peak while it all spins away

Joe: there's something that modern society misses out on when we install all these new-fangled technologies

******************

* blink

* blink blink

My response:

******************

midgetmanofsteel: you're a freak, Joe

******************

Luckily for me, we don't have these automatically flushing toilets at my new job.

So I get to admire my handiwork as long as I want.

Sometimes, this admiration period could take upwards of a half-hour.

Longer if there's colors.

I like colors.

Let me know if you're interested, and I'll send you pictures.

Now excuse me...

...I gotta go build me a birdhouse.