William Wallace must not have signed the right paperwork.
How else would he have known that flashing his junk in his kilt was taboo?
That poor, poor bastard.
But let’s back up…
The other day we had a “Mandatory Meeting” for the company.
Normally, this meeting would just suck regular ass.
However, it sucked major ass...
...because the announcement of this meeting IMMEDIATELY followed an email telling everyone that they had to electronically “sign” a “Code of Ethics” document.
Ethics Agreement.
Mandatory Meeting.
Me: Ethics Agreement + Mandatory Meeting = "Oh...SH*T."
What did I get caught doing?
..this time?
This can't be good for me.
I was completely prepared to be strung up in front of the crowd, "Braveheart-style", and made an example of.
(At the scene of my "purification by pain"):
Inquisitor (from Human Resources): “Do you confess to calling the man down the hall ‘Gay Johnny’ to his face?!”
*cricket*
(he pulls out my lower intestine)
Me: (muffled silence)
(remember, I had a small tattoo done AND a vasectomy...so having my lower intestine removed should be a f*cking cake-walk)
Inquisitor: “Do you confess to yelling words like, ‘F*CK!’, ‘SH*T!’, ‘F*CKSH*T!’ and ‘SH*TF*CK!’ during NORMAL conversations in the hallway?!”
*cricket*
(he gives me ‘The Shocker’)
Ow.
Me: “Mmmmpphh…”
Inquisitor: “SILENCE! The Accused wishes to speak!”
(he bends low…and whispers…”the pain..can all go away if you confess…”)
Me: “Mmmff…ugh…”
Inquisitor: “Yeeesssss….?”
Me: “F*CKSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!”
(Head of Human Resources lops off my head)
I hate HR.
Anyway…
This didn’t happen.
I wish it did.
What DID happen was the standard, quarterly-bullsh*t meeting that happens every goddamn three months.
This entails a lot of:
1) PowerPoint slides with all the rabid excitement of a shadow-puppet show...
...given by a guy with no hands.
2) Sales-pitch bullsh*t crap
This includes, but is not limited to, a cheesy production DVD with a pitch from a salesman who looks like he should either:
a) be a contestant on “The Bachelor” and/or
b) be completely and utterly ostracized from society for continuing to use f*cking GEL in his spikey hair, even though he’s nearing the age of 40.
Use a brush, you stupid dickhead…you’re selling computer sh*t…
...you’re NOT on "Hannah Montana”
3) Stupid questions from stupid f*cksh*t people who simply don’t realize that I WANT TO GO HOME AT SOME F*CKING POINT TODAY.
I hate people.
Seriously...we've been in here for two hours...
...and you have to ask if they're going to reinstate the "discount T-shirts to employees" program?!
I should f*cking walk over and gut you right now.
Asshole.
But I didn't gut him...
...as it's probably shunned upon in the f*cking Ethics Agreement.
I wouldn't know, though, because I didn't read it.
Anyway...
...I spent the time there in the meeting texting with two of my buddies.
Full transcript...tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
I Got Your Ethics RIGHT HERE! (points at crotch)
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16 comments:
I look forward to it Mooog! xx
I don't go to meetings. I say I'm allergic. I use that time to look at porn while everyone is away.
I doodle at meetings!
I'm trying to figure out where the "pink" fingers go on a guy...
I dunno,it may just be me,but it kinda looks like that fellow is enjoying "The Shocker"!
From that shocker explanation link "The gesture refers to the act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the little finger into the unwitting anus, hence the 'shock'."
Do these people think that there are times when the anus is 'witting'?
OGM....tooo Funny...I love reading your blog, its a laugh and makes me start my day in such a humorous way ...!!
I heart HR... no really, I heart them to death...
CRag: why wait until meetings to look at porn?
Casdok: I doodle too. I'm a doodler. I'll probably die doodling, I doodle so much. Wait...are you talking about drawing? Nevermind, then.
Buzzardbilly: I think the bigger question is where the other fingers went when they gave it to ME. You know, not having a vagina and all that...which I think was Biscuit's question.
HR. The best thing you can do is befriend those f*ckers. Gets you places.
If our HR dept administered The Shocker, I'd be more apt to attend their meetings.
Wait, that was a private thought. Please disregard.
I can't wait till tomorrow...too funny...you really are a sick, sick man.....
I would definitely read that shit. Me & OG didn't read our "Employee Handbook" when we got them and just this year (after 6 years) realized we were supposed to have another week of vacation per year.
We have to do sensitivity training every year. I hate that shit. Can't we just all agree to not get along?
The best thing to do with HR is to call them "Personnel." At meetings, I can shift to my right hemispere which refuses to understand anything in the meeting but the outlines of the women's boobs under their clothes.
hmmm...why is hungry mother looking at boobies?
Do we work at the same company? Seriously ... cause I was at that same meeting.
I'm the one who suggested we have "pants are optional" days. I think you threw your pocket protector at me.
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