This is "Conversation Piece #2" - for the first one, click here.
ONWARD!!
*********************
Last week was my wife's birthday.
I remembered this for two reasons:
1) I actually FORGOT it two years ago
(that was a bad, bad day in the history of me)
...and...
2) I put it in my Calendar at my work email with a reminder
Fucking ay, that's right.
A REMINDER.
Fool me once..shame on you.
Fool me twice..holy shit, I must be a fucking idiot.
So..the morning of my wife's birthday, this conversation happened:
(scene: wife is barely awake...sitting on couch...drinking first cup of coffee)
Me: "Hey..happy birthday."
Wife: "Oh. You remembered this year."
* inserts shiv into my kidney
She's awesome.
You know...dishing out the digs.
Me: "That was TWO years ago."
Wife: "Was it? Fine."
At this point...I slink over to the couch...
...give her a kiss...
...and say...
...in my best 'how you doin'?' voice:
Me: "Hey...you excited? You get birthday sex tonight."
She looks up blankly at me from her coffee.
* blink
Wife: "Um...it's MY birthday...not yours."
Um.
Oh.
Me: "Well..that was your present."
* blink
Wife: "Great. Another year I get nothing."
* sigh
Awesome.
Happy Belated Birthday, hon.
I'll be upstairs in a minute...there's something I have to take care of first.
Do you remember which channel was Cinemax?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Conversation Piece #2 - The Birthday Wish
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25 comments:
Dude, you are sooooo lame. Damn. Wow. I mean...the words....not sure if there are really any.
Just go back to the drawing board and start all over again. If you grovel enough, you may be permitted a redo over the weekend...but proceed with caution and I highly recommend you crawl on the floor as low as you can and do not make eye contact until she gives you permission.
Make haste to the store for flowers, jewelry, chocolate. Yes, very btdt...but you cannot afford to be creative right now, stick to the basics, your life is at stake here.
You should have said:
Hey, you excited? You get birthday sex tonight with a well hung blond Swede named Fabio"
DUH.
Mike, where is mooooog gonna get the money to pay Fabio? Geez!
Christina, somewhere, out there, some well hung swede named Fabio is saying Hey, you excited? You get birthday sex tonight with a pencil dicked midget American named mooooog"
And THAT is where he's going to get the money.
I have had to pull the "forgot the birthday shiv" out of my kidney once or twice as well.
You should have said ..."how about we watch Lifetime channel all night?" LOL
a easy way to solve this problem...
flowers+birthday card+ nice, romantic dinner = Moog not having to sleep on the couch, and no shiv in spinal cord.
Good luck! :)
What is this sex thing you speak of?
MI: I got her a digital photo keychain from the kids.
It did not work.
It will be returned.
Failure, thy name is Rodney.
Mike: Like I can afford that shit when none of you will buy my coffee mugs.
Christina: (see coffee mug comment above)
justjp: Luckily...God gave us two for this VERY reason.
King: Dude, I'd rather take the shiv.
Fawkes: My wife hates flowers (yay, me!) and we got a pizza. But it was a LOADED pizza..so I think it worked out well.
Malach: Shit. I was hoping YOU could tell me.
Well I certainly hope the wifey got what she wanted on her birthday, even if it wasn't sex. lol
You've overlooked a common fallacy, Moogs. "Birthday Sex" is not a big deal to women because we'll give them sex anytime they want all year long. It's only a big deal to US because it's one of maybe three days a year (birthday, Valentine's Day, New Years' Eve) where they kinda feel obligated to do us.
Happy Birthday Mrs. Moog!
Hasn't she heard that birthday sex song?? COME ON.
You should see the porn they show late at night in Paris. It's the good stuff that you can't get for free anywhere here.
If I were you I would get her whatever her favorite meal is and feed it to her in bed naked. That always works for me. :)
Lady: I can pretty much assure you that unless she wanted a movie and pizza, she was disappointed.
Chris: They feel obligated to have sex with us?
Thanks for the laugh!!
Becky: What? No card?
Maxie: I don't think I'VE heard it.
Can you sing a few bars?
Kellie: Ummm...worst. suggestion. ever.
I highly doubt my wife's birthday dream is to be served a cheeseburger in bed by my hairy ass.
You know, I work 2 hours a week for a well known card company putting cards in their spots after people rearrange them in entirely different spots. My favorite card is shaped like a pickle.
So...I can send a pickle card if you like. It'll thrill and delight your wife up until she wonders who in the hell sent the card.
Maxie is right...there IS a Birthday Sex Song....by Jeremih....not joking..and I'm gonna go right on ahead and give you a link for the lyrics....
http://www.metrolyrics.com/birthday-sex-lyrics-jeremih.html
you really should download it and play it for your wife....however, be warned, you might get TWO shivs for this one.....enjoy!
HA - it was the Lady Friend's birthday this morning and she made me set the alarm early so she could get birthday sex. Are you saying that won't happen when marriage is involved - because that ring fund could become a porn fund REAL quick.
Becky: Why am I not surprised it's a pickle card that's your favorite.
Fawkes: I listened to the birthday song until my ears started to bleed. That was approximately 2.3 seconds into the song.
My birthday song would be much shorter.
Like this:
"I'm gonna give you birthday sex..birthday s...um...I'm done."
Narm: No...birthday sex does not happen when you're married.
Neither, really, does regular sex.
Let me know where you're buying your porn, I could use some good deals.
Birthday sex is always a must, even if it is neither persons birthday. It's like going to Denny's and lying about it being your bday. It's fun for all.
Did you at least let her pick the movie... or was she really into that remake of Debbie Does Dallas?
Correction: She gets birthday sex, but doesn't have to shave. Or move.
WIN.
You've made me realize how awful I make my husband when I remind him of his mistakes.
I'm going to be nice to him tonight and he'll never know why. And by nice, I do not mean sex: no need to go overboard.
Aw, so sad. So now what's worse- forgetting or remembering?
Your wife is a lucky lucky lady! ;)
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