Well..it's back to school time.
That can mean only one thing here on "Mental Poo"....
I'm no longer allowed within 1000 feet of a school.
Woops.
Wait...wrong thing.
It can only mean:
MORE HORROR STORIES FROM MY WIFE'S KINDERGARTEN CLASS!!
There.
That's less creepy.
My wife works at an inner-city school teaching Kindergarten.
Here, "inner city" means "if you don't speak Spanish and have one pant leg rolled up you're a dead man."
In her Kindergarten class, kids don't eat paste...they freebase it.
They don't build houses with popsicle sticks...they make shanks.
I can't blame my wife for working here, really...
The wonder you see in a child's eyes when he shivs his first bitch is truly magical.
* sniff
Sorry..sorry...I get emotional.
But my wife started school, and her first order of business was to evaluate the kids' level of education.
Or...really...the lack thereof.
You see...none of the kids speak English.
None.
Awesome.
The following two examples are TRUE stories of what my wife went through in these evaluations.
Enjoy.
Story #1: There are 26 animals in the alphabet
My wife has to show flash cards of the letters of the alphabet to the children and ask them these two questions:
1) What letter is this?
2) What sound does it make?
Simple, right?
I mean..these kids are 5 and 6 years old for Chrissakes.
Yeah..okay.
My wife holds up the letter 'B.'
Wife: "What letter is this?"
* pause
Kid: "A COW!"
My wife looks down at the card.
Nope...nope...
It's still a 'B.'
Wife: "No..this is the letter B. Now...what sound does the letter 'B' make?"
Kid: "Moooooooo."
Nice.
This went on for several letters...where the letter 'C' was also called a 'bumblebee' and makes the sound 'buzz.'
Brilliant.
2) Letter: CHECK!....Sound it makes: notsomuch
Another kid is going through the alphabet and not faring any better than Farmer Gonzales over there.
FINALLY...my wife gets to the letter 'W.'
Wife: "What letter is this?"
The kid starts freaking out.
HE KNOWS IT!!
HE KNOWS THE LETTER!!
Kid: "W! That's a W!"
My wife is pumped as finally this little shit gets a fucking letter right.
Wife: "THAT'S RIGHT!! And what sound does the 'W' make?"
Kid (still excited): "Boinkity boinkity boink!"
* blink
Boinkity.
Boinkity.
Boink.
The letter 'W' says 'boinkity boinkity boink.'
Good to know.
I mean.
Good to kno-boinkityboinkityboink.
I shit you not.
Folks...
As a society in general...
We're fucking doomed.
Hey...Obama...
That speech you gave to the schools the other day...
Think you can have that shit dubbed in Spanish?
Gracias.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Se coge nuestro país (Our Country is Fucked)
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28 comments:
Made me guffaw with the "B b" picture! Hilarious! Good luck to your lovely wife... it could be a long year!
Maybe the W is some sort of weird sexual position in the the Spanish community? Wait...they're in kindergarten...
- I gave you a Digg for this- good post. I'm a Canadian and our education(?) system is just as bad as it seems yours is - we are indeed screwed
Bueno Posto.
Funny that the "W" makes the same sound as an illegal immigrant does when you hold their head underwater for 5 mins.
Just sayin'
alright, I admit, the cow picture has me laughing. terrible.
your poor wife. I have a feeling with a class like this she's going to have one hell of a year. thanks to this post I have a feeling I'm going to be trying to figure out how "boinkity boinkity boink" came from "W"....
if I figure it out I'll let you know.....don't hold your breath.......
Kids are dumb! I stand by that statement.
MOO COWS!!!!!!!!!!!
I stumbled it with only that comment.
You should get some interesting people stopping by.
i now have yet another reason to feel sorry for your poor wife
CatLady: I had to look up 'guffaw' because I thought it meant you threw up a small bird.
Travis: Dude...that's totally appropriate for kindergarten. I believe most of them give birth to their first welfare recipient by age 7.
Dave: I thought you guys only spoke Canuckish.
Ed: They say 'boinkity boinkity boink?'
Gauche: Yes..the cow pic seems to be a big hit. Yay me!
Lbluca: Preaching to the choir, woman..preaching to the choir.
Don: Why would they spell 'hunt' and 'hooter' with a 'k?'
Ohhhhh.
Lilu: Great. Combined with the word 'fucking' in the title, I should also get some good searches, too.
Speaking: You people are mean to me.
I laughed so hard. You shit. I was drinking coffee at the time.
Downright RUDE.
Your poor wife. God bless her.
And then she has to come home to you. It's a wonder she continues day to day.
I predict humans will lose their vocal chords in the future as a result of texting and twitter. There's no need to verbally communicate anymore...
Love the uppercase and lowercase B's. Love 'em.
Moog: Holy phonetic fuckups, Batman. Also, get outta my brain! Thanks for coming by -- want to blogroll each other? (why does that always sound so dirty?)
Damn - I didn't get to boinkity boinkity boink until 3rd grade.
Times, they are a-changin'.
I'd almost rather teach these kids rather than twinkies.
Almost.
JenJen: Wait..God bless her WHY?
Me..or the kids?
Actually..both valid. Nevermind.
Christina: Actually..I'm quite a specimen. It's almost a curse, really.
VE: Great...now I need to text in Spanish, too?
Hopers: Apparently, I need to do more cow pics.
Sassafrass: I just blogrolled the shit out of you.
Narm: YOU FIEND!
Wait..what are we talking about?
Steam: Please was your hands before you press the 'back' button.
Mike: You teach twinkies?
Dude. Dude.
Boinkity Boink Boink.
Too friggin' funny.
Love this post!!!! Frickin hilarious!! I am now a stalkerish follower. Thanks for keeping me from taking care of my kids/house/husband/hyiene because I have to go and read everyone of your posts.
Hi there... stumbled onto your blog... and fell... hard... while laughing.
You are brilliantly hilarious! I'd like to know if his parents were doing the boinkity boink while trying to teach him the alphabet.
apparently and this is only a unconfirmed rumor, but there is a kid's show or something that uses the "bouncing ball" idea when sounding out something with the kids watching. kinda like a sing along thing I guess. and the ball makes a "bonk" sound when it makes a shape or letter.....no idea, I don't have kids myself, but my coworker has told me this....so...um...maybe the kid is watching this show? no idea for sure.....laters!
I live for your responses to our comments.
Did he?
How bout now?
Hmmm.
Refresh!
F5!
Just send them all back
LOved the cow picture and the stratigically placed "Bs"...too funny
You know we're doomed...there is no 'u' sound in W.
You're wife has the patience of a saint. For. Real.
Back in college, I had to help teach a 5th grade class at an inner city school. I don't think there is much progression between kindergarten and 5th grade. I helped them "read" picture books. Like, there were no words. We talked about the pictures. More or less, they just asked me out on dates. Couldn't read, but ready to take the plunge into a relationship. Ahhh, priorities.
That cow picture is genius. Totally just laughed out loud at 1:30 am, waking up my fiance.
So, are you saying that the letter B does not in fact make a, "Moooooo"n sound? Shit.
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